5 Tips for Setting Goals Together
One of my favorite days of the year is when Joseph and I set aside some time to talk, reflect on what’s going on in our lives, and dream and set goals about things we would love to see happen the future. Here are some tips that have helped us make the most of this time:
Brainstorm and reflect individually first
I’m an extrovert and Joseph is an introvert. I always want to jump right into to pretty much everything. So when we started this goal setting thing together, I would want us to sit down and brainstorm all our ideas right away. Here’s what would happen: I would end up dominating the conversation, then get frustrated that he wasn’t contributing much and think, Doesn’t he even care?!
It took me a while to figure out that he did care; he just hadn’t had a chance to process his thoughts and take ownership of his part of the goal-setting process. Taking time individually (even just like 20 minutes) before coming together to set goals was good for both of us. It gave us a chance to really come to conclusions about what was working, what wasn’t working, and what needed to change on our own, so that one person (me) wasn’t just steamrolling the other (him). Also, its good for everyone - even extroverts - to be quiet and reflect every now and then
If you and your other are using Pace & Pattern to set goals, I highly recommend you doing those first reflection pages on your own.
2. Make it feel special
Our friends Audrey and Jordan decided to rent a cabin in the mountains for a weekend for their goal-setting retreat. For Joseph and I this year, it will probably look like getting a babysitter for a few hours one Saturday morning and hunkering down in one of our favorite coffee shops. This time doesn’t have to be fancy, but it’s important to make it as pleasant and special as possible. If you can’t get a sitter, do it after the kids go to bed; just tidy up the room you’re in, turn on some pleasant music, and maybe light a few candles. There is something significant about feeling like this time is set aside for an important purpose that will help you both get in the zone.
3. Go from big to small
There are people who love thinking about the big picture and dreaming about the future, and there are others who care more about practical action steps and the day-to-day details of life. Depending on which category you and your partner fall in, one of these steps will be more of a stretch than the other.
It’s important to start by figuring out your vision first. What matters to you? What kind of person do you want to be? What do you want your life to be about? Once you figure out the answers to these big questions, it will be much easier to determine what you should be spending your time and attention on.
Your vision statement doesn’t have to be exactly the same as your spouse’s. Joseph and I each have our own Pace & Pattern planner, and our vision statements are different because we are focusing on growing in different ways. (I’ll get to how our goals overlap in a bit) Sharing the big picture vision for your lives with each other is a great way to build understanding and connection; it also makes it easier to get on the same page later when you start setting those concrete day-to-day goals.
4. Start crazy then get realistic.
When you and your spouse are brainstorming goals, push yourselves to be a little crazy. Write down ALL the ideas before you shoot any down. In almost every couple, there is one person who is more of a dreamer and one who is more practical; try not to squash any dreams at this stage in the game.
This goes for goals you are are going to do individually as well as together. Try to push yourselves to think of ideas and goals that are a little out of your comfort zone. Often it’s our fifth idea that is the best, not our first.
Then after you look at all the ideas review your vision statements again. Which goals jump out? Are there any you want to work on together (a house or service project, budget goals, running a marathon together)?
Try to help each other be realistic (in an encouraging way!) about your time and what seems feasible.
If you are using Pace & Pattern you know we recommend just focusing on just one habit, one rhythm and one project (or fewer!) each quarter. By really narrowing it down and picking just a few things to focus on you will be forced to choose what really matters to you and by focusing your energy on those things you’re way more likely to actually see them happen.
5. Cheer each other on
Lastly, hold each other accountable. Set times at the beginning of every week or month to check in on how your goals are going. Track your goals in a visible place. I have some friends who put a poster on their wall to track the their saving goal and another friend who marked the days she ran on a calendar while she was training for a marathon. Surprise your partner with a note that says how proud you are of their progress, whatever you can do to support and encourage (not nag!) one another on this journey is great not just for achieving your goals but also for your relationship.